I have this really odd feeling that something bad is going to happen. Something really bad. All these natural disasters, and now this cold Florida weather. Everything feels off and wrong. I hope I'm not right.

Three cheers for two years

I really hate it when people are mad for no apparent reason. And better yet, they don't talk about it until they are boiling with anger and just aren't very reasonable. I admit, I do that as well. It's just.....ugh! Something about this week is driving me crazy! From geography homework to changing the background on my phone 10 times, I can't seem to get anything right. The weather has altered my thinking and mood most of the time (only because the sun wasn't out and it was cold as...well...hell I guess) And now my schedule is the only thing I can seem to get right. And maybe that isn't such a good thing. If only there was a pause button so I could stay in some time for a little and sit some hot chocolate or something and relax instead of having to worry about what I'm going to do in the proceeding minutes. It's constant and overwhelming. There's always so much going on everyone and all you want to do is take it all in and not miss a thing by blinking. What to do...what to do.....

I always fantasized about being someone different. How everything on me was imperfect somehow. How I needed to be the all-american girl with the perfectly toned legs and the flat stomach and beautiful hair. It's a hard standard to strive to. You could work out all you want, but never reach that standard. It's where anorexia and bulimia started. Women felt they needed to be skinny to be accepted or loved. It's hard to watch someone waste away like that. Now little kids are being sucked into the world of perfect and "beautiful." And parents are suppose to teach these children that you don't need to be a size 0 to be happy. Every human being on this earth, big or small, is beautiful and I wish people would see that.

Decidophobia: Fear of making decisions.

I really wish I could just pick one path and love it. But I'm always on the in between where there's these voices pushing you toward a certain path. These voices, they promise success and glory. It's hard to ignore them sometimes, but it's all about tuning out unnecessarily noise.

I can't really concentrate on homework tonight. And my grades are proof of that.....But I've been really down and out these days (yeah, I just quoted the academy is) I really want to escape from all this. From my feelings, and probably from a couple people too. I just want to lay and soak up the sun in the freezing weather.All I want to do right now is redecorate and sleep and kiss.

The average person doesn't usually think about disasters when driving down a highway at 70 mph. It just isn't what people are worried about. But I look out at everyone and wonder how I could turn this situation into a disaster. Of course, traffic. I look out to the person next to me. It's a middle aged man, holding his head in between his hands, exhausted. I'm gonna guess he's heading home from his "double life." A pretty little blonde secretary...how cliche. She was great and now he has to go home and lie to his wife and 2 year old son about his day. The reason he's doing this is probably because his wife isn't putting out and it's killing him. He hates the quiet suburban life. But he can't escape. And now that I think about it, it's always the cheating husband to die first in a horror movie. Haha. That's a comforting though. Oh yeah...and the girl who narrates her life is second to go....great.... But enough of that though. I look to the other side and I see an old man intently staring out at the line of lights infront of him. He's probably having a flashback of the past 70 years of his life. His first kiss, the time he served in the war, his first love, his first loss, watching his granddaughter grow up. He clenched his fist and banged on the dashboard..probably not a good thought. This next part was almost surreal.....He opened the door from his beat-up 1978 Ford Fiesta and walked through the miles of traffic.I heard the faint sound of She loves you by The Beatles coming from his car. He got in front of the ongoing rush of cars and lifed his arms and closed his teary eyes and screamed as loud as he could. I closed my eyes and hoped it would all be over soon. But when I opened them, I was standing where he was. And he was in my car, watching and smiling at me. And strangely, I didn't mind being killed. I saw my death as it was hurling toward me as 80 mph. I opened my shaking arms and was ready to let go. Then I woke up in my bed, safe. It was odd, but when I woke up, I could faintly hear that Beatles song coming from outside. I looked out and saw the one man holding a stereo system in the middle of the street. We smiled at each other and I closed the curtains, it was gonna be a good day.

I really tried to like you. I give myself up and went along with you. You were amazing and lovely and made me feel like I could just let go.Now, I fake smiles and words when your around and act like how we used to be. I know I made mistakes and took advantage of our friendship, but I never meant it. I was stupid and naive. But as much as I wish we could be friends again, I know that we're better off without each other.

Is there a cure for a lonely heart?

I think I forgot I had curves.

I tend to build myself up for things that are happening, like hanging out or something. I smile larger than I should and make unnessecary arm gestures. But, always, I keep that one thought that it probably won't happen. And that thought keeps me from falling farther than I should.

Looking back, I really miss my long hair. Its was manageable and all one length. Rather than my tattered mess on a usual basis. So, I'm growing my hair out over the summer and hoping for a new start come Junior year. Hopefully.

I wish I could slip into the crevice of my bed and only come out when the sun is shining bright and birds are chipping a morning tune outside. That's my kinda day. Enough with this winter rain. Really.